Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

2001-11-25

Revelation: A New Beginning

Mike broke up with me today. That's the headlining news. He broke up with me. We were talking on MSN. He said I think we should just be friends. And then it was over, finished, poof, gone. I cried. Believe it or not. I cried. I wouldn't talk to Liat because I didn't want her to hear me crying. I was hitting myself. Stop it! Stop it! It's stupid! I was telling myself. Crying, what a stupid reflex. I can do without it. So it's really over. He felt bad. I think. That's what Liat said. She was talking to us on two different phones and I was trying to imagine what he looked like as he was speaking, I couldn't. Then while I was listening to one end of Liat's conversation with him and eating my dinner of Chunky Grilled Chicken Soup,

I thought. I thought that I never really was comfortable around him. To be truthful, I was more comfortable talking to his pothead friend than him. Then I had the most amazing thing happen. I had a revelation, a new thought. I thought about little grade school children and how they get excited over having a 'boyfriend'. His name is so and so and he's so nice and we play in the sand box and go on the seesaw. That's not a real relationship, nor do the children genuinely like each other. Considering Mike was my first, I may have liked him for about two weeks, but then I started waking up in the morning's and having to remind myself that I had a boyfriend. I realized that I really only liked the idea of having a boyfriend. I wasn't even comfortable with him. That's terrible. I'm not sure what Mike was thinking within that one month we were together, but I stopped wanting to cry after that. I'm a fourteen year old short, school girl in a tartan kilt and a sweater vest. I go to an all girls school downtown and I'm not allowed going out for lunch. A boy breaking up with me should be the last of my problems. He can go roll down at hil for all I care. At least we can still be friends. I think maybe it should have stayed that way in the first place.

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane. More than a pretty face beside a train, but it ain't easy, being me.

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