Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

Monday, Jun. 10, 2002

I Hope You Dance

Sometimes, I just totally don't understand myself. I mean, I know that doesn't sound too surprising considering I'm a hard individual to understand and I don't share my feelings or my thoughts most of the time and yadda yadda yadda, but seriously! This is totally insane!

If someone you are attracted to starts to indirectly make fun of you or belittle you in any way, how do you deal with that? I mean, when they know that you have an attraction to them. What do you do? Say, "Like, Oh my god! You bastard!" and block them or slap them or screen your calls so you never have to talk/see them again? Or.. Does your heart start beating and do you feel yourself submitting to their indirect comands and you feel tears welling up beneath your eyes though you don't want to cry, you just want them to see that you don't mean to act stupid and try and say something else that sounds more intelligent or less sarcastic.

I'm pretty obvious with my hypothetical questions aren't I? No, but really, I'm completely confused. I don't talk to this person for quite a few days and then I talk to them again and the bottom falls through. I think Ok, getting over him, maybe I'm not attracted anymore. Great, that's so good. Then, BAM! He's online and he's like "Hi" and my heart goes a mile a minute and I break into that famous cold sweat. Oh my gosh! It's him! I make myself angry, but I can't help it! I don't know what it is! The fact that he actually talks to me, or how he talks to me, or what we talk about. I am completely oblivious as to how, but he has me under his spell. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO!

Nobody knows, well, nobody really knows how I feel. Not that I can actually tell anybody. He's probably told people, probably most likely Mike included. Not that I mind. Or maybe I do. I don't know. I'm just so frustrated and confused. I don't want to have an actual emotional relationship, but I am extremely attracted to him.. more physically. Geez! I can't believe I just said that. I'm supposed to be romantic, but I keep thinking about all these scenarios where- er.. Ok, this is not an erotic diary so I won't randomly put erotic thoughts. Anyways! I think I just need to see him again, once and for all. I'd rather be friends, but I think we both have some unfinished business. Oh geez, I need help!

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