Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

Saturday, Apr. 06, 2002

There Lived A Girl Named Lauren.

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday,
Happy birthday,
Happy birthday to me!

Surprise! It's bigthingsetc's first year anniversary. Isn't that terribly exciting? Oh, yes, I think so.

I actually just got back from a movie and I was feeling kind of giddy and happy because I had a good time, and then I went on my IM. Then my mood dropped quite significantly, for who decided to get in a drunken stupor and start to talk to me? Take one wild, wild, guess.

Mike...

It always has to boil down to him. Always! I can't seem to stop it. I try so hard. I really, really do, but it never seems to be enough. He always finds a way under my skin and I can't stand it! I just can't stand it! It's not even that I'm attracted to him anymore, not even! He just completely brings me down with everything he says. I don't understand, it is beyond me.

I feel so low and insignificant. My skin feels cold, I feel cold. I feel almost exposed. Liat's boyfriend talks to me only to ask what is up with my sign-on name. (I change it very often.) He doesn't say 'Hi'. He just says, "What the f*ck is up with your name?" And expects me to answer with no problem. It's like everybody knows that I'll crack if they start to make fun of me or insult me. They can feel that I have hairline fractures all over me. They know that I can't withstand very much emotionally.

The strange thing is though, when I'm there in person, they back off. I have this false feeling of superiority which makes me talk and laugh and joke around with them. Only when they can't see my face or hear my voice, do I really open up. Behind the wire, plastic, phone lines and cables, I let my guard down. I am vulnerable. I wish I could share my personal feelings to others. I can't seem to. It's too hard for me. I can reveal my opinion, but never my feelings.

I guess you could say my feelings are my own, but being the only person to know them gets lonely sometimes.

WHAT IF I ...

...disappeared.

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