Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

2002-02-23

Hello Clarice. Have the crows stopped cawing?

It is said that one can be lonely in a crowd. Is it possible to be lonely with friends? That seems to be how I feel lately. I love my friends and everything and my family, but I feel hollow. I feel lonely, like nobody understands me anymore. Like I'm not real. I feel like one of those cartoon character extras that are only two dimensional nothings that walk around while the slapstick main characters get the spotlight. Oh yes, occasionally I get my moment when the main character bully with the big nostrils and fat arms decides to trip me and I go srawling into a nearby locker. But then the main character heroes start standing up to the bully and forget about me and my face is still squished in the locker. Then in the next episode, they cram another lonely extra like myself into a locker and there goes my career.

I missed fourty minutes of class by accident on friday. Now you most probably are wondering how that's possible without me playing hooky or having some sort of appointment or something. Well, it did happen and I was extremely embarrassed about it. You see, Firday was opposite day and during lunch there was a talent show thing. After the talent show was finished, I figured there was still a little time left in the lunch period, so I went to the computer lab to check on some stuff. The time seemed to have gone by really fast and I wasn't checking my watch, but I got the impression that maybe I overstayed my welcome. The next thing I know, a teacher comes to the door and asks one of the teachers who was in the computer lab if anyone in there was not in her class. The first thing I thought was Uh..Oh... Then, Liat comes in and says that I should leave. I knew then that I had totally not heard the bell. Which I really didn't. I grabbed my stuff, blushing madly I bet, and hurried off to french class of which I missed fourty minutes of. It took the class that long to figure out that I was missing. Even the teacher didn't realize until Liat mentioned it. It's nice to know that they care about me so.

Everyday at four there seems to be a large gathering of crows that enjoy perching themselves on the leafless trees in the park behind my backyard. Me and my mother used to call it tea time for the birds. It was pretty funny at first, but now they stay there all night and I'm sure if we opened the windows, we could hear them cawing away. It's scary sometimes when I have to get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and I look out the bathroom window, which goes over the backyard, and I see the many black shapes of the crows, just sitting there doing who-knows-what. I wonder what they do there. Maybe they hold their secret meetings about taking over the world. Or perhaps they're even Gruagrachs. Gruagrachs are crow-like beings that I read about in a book. They are legendary irish creatures that are usually in the form of large crows, but can transform into bird-like men. Maybe that's what they are. I sometimes wish they were. I sometimes wish I could step into a storybook adventure, with princes and kingdoms and the like. A childish fantasy I suppose, but is it really? There are many older fantasy novelists who continue to write about worlds and magical beings. Is it really just a childish fantasy then still? Did all those novelists never grow up?

What will my future bring me?

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