Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

2002-02-19

All I Really Wanted ...

Oh my god ...

It's the second day that I'm back at school. Recovering still from that weird sickness that I caught on Saturday last weekend. I never, ever, ever get normal maladies. It is quite strange come to think of it, but none the less it is annoying. I have never gotten a normal cold. No, not the normal, stuffed up runny nose cold that leaves your eyes puffy and your voice nasaly, oh no. I'm obviously too good for that. I get the strange, fever bringing colds that seem like flus and the colds that make you feel perfectly miserable in the morning and then poof! You feel like jumping up and down by the evening. Those are the kinds of colds I get. I suppose it may be the fact that I've started this strange line of sicknesses by getting jondice (spelling?) as a newborn. Oh yes, I have changed colours over the years. Yellow as a newborn infant, red sometimes when I was three due to an exotic rash, blue even at one point for some reason I don't even know. I've never had a normal kind of illness, except perhaps that bronchitis I came down with in the third grade, but still ... Strange.

They say I have the best ass below fourteenth street, is it true?
What?!
Your staring again!
Oh no! I mean, you do... Have a nice, I mean! You look familiar...

I almost cried today. Twice. Yes, I admit it. Me, Lauren, the person who never cries, almost cried twice in one day. It all started with basketball practice. Earlier today in gym, I was practicing my shooting and I was getting most of them in, I was comfortable with the position and everything and it was good. Then after school, I had to do a geography quiz and something for french, so I missed the first twenty minutes of practice. When I finished up with that missed work and came back down all changed and everything, we were working on some sort of drill. I asked one of my teammates to explain it to me, and she just shrugged. So I had no idea what to do until they started and I had to sit out and watch for the first few minutes. It seemed like everyone had erected a silent wall between them and myself, maybe because I had been absent from the basketball tournament? I have no idea, but it felt very uncomfortable. Later on during the practice though was when it turned ugly. Alright, not ugly, but it got out of hand.

I was blocking one of the other teams point guards, we were scrimmaging, and she obviously didn't see me and threw the ball up toward her other teammate. The ball came straight up, into my face and bashed my nose. I couldn't feel my nose for about a minute after, it sprang tears to my eyes, but I wasn't crying ... yet. They stopped the game and the coach told me to get a drink. The tears started to stream from my eyes and I was wiping at them. The coach asked me if I was ok and I told her I was fine, I wasn't crying. Which is the truth. So I walked to the water fountain to get a drink and I hear echoing behind me: 'Waaaah! I'm not crying!' Someone saying that rather loudly, mocking someone in tears. I knew who it was, I recognized the voice and my insides sort of sank. I heard laughing after that and they continued on with the game. I don't know for sure if she was making fun of me, but why else would she have said that?

I was practically crying for real as I drank some water and calmed down a bit. Why would she say something like that? The same question was running through my head. I didn't understand. I never did anything to her. I couldn't play again after, I couldn't concentrate. After practice was finished, I went down to change and I grew angry. Nobody said bye to me as I left in a huff. I got in the car and mother started off for home. That's when the feeling in the pit of my stomach came back. That emptiness, I've never felt it before. It felt like nobody cared about me, which I know is not true, not true at all. But right then, I felt small and weak and worthless. The tears just sprang up suddenly, they were unstoppable. They welled up in my eyes, as tears do, and I couldn't blink them away. I decided to calm down and relax and the water buildup in my eyes subsided, yet one single tear escaped confinement and rolled down my cheek. My mother didn't see, it was the other side. The stronger, more confident Lauren, took over once again and no more tears were shed.

I wanted, to be like you. I wanted, everything. So I tried, to be like you. And I was swept away.

I didn't know that, it was so cold and. You needed someone to show you the way. So I took your hand and, we figured out that. When the tide comes I'd take you away.

If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares.

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