Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

2002-01-20

She's Walking Behind

Here I go again. I feel out of place. So much so, that it really hurts sometimes. I don't think people realize how much it hurts to be like me. To see people fall and to see people be taken advantage of. To witness the crumble of a human soul and to sit in on the vulgarity that poisons the mind. And it kills me. I am the voyeur. The outside eye. I look through the window into the homes that have their lights on and their blinds shut and I watch. I watch the scenes that play within the walls. I watch and watch and watch, and I still can't understand how they think. The popular ones with their boys and their clothes, the tight-as-ropes ones with their own rules and regulations. Even the losers, as some call them, with their own tricks and jokes. I can't grasp it. I still don't find their need to remain in such tight knitted groups. And again, it hurts to watch. It hurts because I know, and they do not.

She sat between two of them. One was bad, the other her mother was friends with his. She knew both. That wasn't too bad. The one who she figured might expect her to be different didn't seem to. Yet he was busy. No attention was paid to her. The other one, other that him, was with one of the two that she knew. He looked to be having fun. Good for him. The night was long. The food was alright. She had to admit that it was fun.

I wonder how many people realize that they've probably got people talking behind their backs. Why is there a constant need to talk about someone when their not there. And most of things up for discussion aren't even necessarily good things. As a matter of fact, rarely are they good things. I think it's terrible. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, I mean, I do it all the time. I just wonder why we do it. Why do we gossip behind other people's backs? And how do they feel when they know for a fact people are doing that. I know people must be talking behind my back, but I don't know how I feel about them doing that. I guess I should feel angry or maybe depressed or maybe I shouldn't even care. Let them talk bad about me behind my back. Doing something like that makes them cowards. If they have so many problems with me why don't they just tell me to my face. Then, that makes me a coward. A big coward. We must all be cowards then, we are all afraid of each other. Could that be the reason there is so much hate and strife in the world today? Because we are afraid of each other?

This brings me to another point that goes hand in hand with this fear of people. Fear is usually the solution to uncertainty. People are afraid of what they do not understand. So, in relevance to the above paragraph, could this mean that we are afraid of each other because we don't understand each other? Maybe we should try harder to understand each other. It's just a thought.

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