Archive.The Future.Sign.Diaryland

2002-01-18

Butterflies Must Land All The Lonely People

The world is my oyster, filled with pearls and expensive things. Or you could just say that I'm feeling very good about myself. I'm pleased with me, just me.

Senior play auditions were today and I must admit I surprised myself with my acting. I am happy with how it all went and I cannot wait until the cast list is posted. I hope I get a good part. It would mean so much to me if I did and I hope the drama teacher realizes that.

I have a few very interesting nervous habits. They are all for different kinds of nervousness though. When I'm around people I don't feel comfortable with, I play with my fingers or my arm. I look at my watch a lot, I sometimes chew on the end of my nails. If I'm uncomfortable around people, I seem to always have to be doing something with my hands. Always. Now when I'm nervous about doing something in front of an audience. Any kind of audience. A speech, a song, a play, anything. I start to shake. I can't stop myself, even when I'm not even nervous sometimes, I shake. During my audition today I was nervous at first, but then I felt comfortable and I wasn't nervous, but at the beginning of my song, I started to sake anyways. It got almost to the point that it was annoying. I just couldn't stop! So I ignored it and tried to concentrate on my song, but it didn't work. It sort of leaned in my favour though because it made my voice shake on the long notes so I didn't have to do it all myself.

I'm gradually trying out new things. I've been wearing eye shadow a lot lately, just to try it out. Yesterday I wore mascara to school and I bought mousse and another eye shadow. My mom bought me a whole bunch of make up brushes. Today I went to school with my hair curled, my new eye shadow on and mascara which my mom gave me. I felt so good about myself I just couldn't stop smiling. I remember saying something about another girl in my grade named Chelsea who always wore make up and I always thought that at an all girl's school, there shouldn't be a need for it. I realize now why she might have been wearing it. I don't mean to be or sound hypocritical, but it makes one feel good about herself when she thinks she is beautiful. Well, that's the reason why I wear it, although I'm not sure about Chelsea.

She felt nervous, almost afraid to see them. It had been a while and she wasn't sure how to act. She was out of place the second she stepped up the front stairs to his house. It was wrong, she didn't belong there, what was she doing there? She couldn't answer that. Some unknown force inside had drawn her to go there that evening. Her actions within the house walls could have determined anything about her future. She decided to remain distant, just as she had been those years ago when all was just a simple game of childhood. It was easy then. Nobody cared. Now however, it has turned all distorted and strange. Unfamiliar.

She decided to go to the get together. She finally felt comfortable in her own skin to go that far. It would be a big stepping stone. Even bigger than traveling down that road to his house. She'd only been there once before anyway. No, but the restauraunt was going to be different. She would show her true colours instead of the silent mask she hid behind when she was uncomfortable. The mask would be placed in the jar by the door, as Eleanor Rigby had done in the Beatles' dreams.

There of course, was always the possibilty of staying home and talking to him on the instant message system. Actually, no, that option was foul and wouldn't work out with the next step of her social awakening. First, she must meet them all, know them. That was key. She would work from there.

When it rains, do you hear the stars cry?

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